"Honey, It's Alright" / Gregory Alan Isakov / I'm Alright.

 Wow. It's definitely been a minute since I last wrote a blog on this website... let alone checked in with myself personally for how music is impacting my feelings. In the past couple of months, it has definitely been a challenge. I struggled through a debilitating leg injury as a result of under-fueling and over-exercising for months... and this resulted in a surgery to fix my chronic stress fracture. I'm finally getting back on my feet and trying to rehab my leg, but even so, the amount of trauma that I've had to deal with - both physically and emotionally - has been absolutely exhausting. I truly never thought that I would be on the other side of this, because going through, there were definitely times when I thought giving up would be easier than continuing the fight. Additionally, a couple months into the injury, I came clean to my friends and family about a serious battle that I had been fighting alone... my eating disorder. I was obsessed with working out and restricting my food intake, and this is what ultimately caused my body to break down. My bones were physically weak and breaking down due to the lack of rest and nourishment. I was literally burning myself down to the ground and I was crumbling. This was the hardest rock bottom that I have ever experienced.

So fast forward to today, I'm recovering from the surgery (a titanium rod was drilled into my shin and secured with two screws) and recovering mentally from all of the trauma in the past 6 months. Truthfully, this was the hardest challenge that I've ever had to go through... and I'm just so grateful to finally be making my way on the other side. I have definitely had to shift how I view myself physically; shifting my mindset around what exercise means to me was an extremely difficult task because I've always been a very physical person. I enjoy running, biking, practicing yoga, etc. But not having those outlets while I was injured forced me to dig deep and find new ways to let go of some stress and express myself. This was so incredibly difficult at first, because again, physical exercise was always my outlet. Thankfully, I had a good support system of friends and family that helped me through this extremely dark time, but on a personal level, I really had to rewrite how I approach my difficult emotions. Now, as my leg is getting stronger and I'm able to do more things, I've started to reintroduce exercise into my daily routines... while also acknowledging that it has to still look a bit different now. I'm happy with how I've been able to adapt my expectations and standards that I hold myself to because at the end of the day, I've come to realize that it's not about the calories burned or the distance traveled... it's how the movement makes you feel. It is not about changing the way your body looks - getting "smaller" or "leaner" is not my goal anymore. It's about the way the movement makes you feel. I never really thought about this before my injury because exercise was more or less used as a way to "get smaller" or "burn off the food I just ate". It's amazing to see my progress and shift in mindset!

With all of that being said, I want to talk about a song that is super close to my heart - "Honey, It's Alright" by Gregory Alan Isakov. I first heard this song when I was freshman in college, and I remember clinging onto it so tightly after me and my high school boyfriend broke up. At the time, I remember having a bit of an identity crisis because we had spent so much time together and I really didn't know who I was! However, after some deliberate time in soul searching, I realized that I wasn't supposed to know who I was. I was just starting out, searching for bits and pieces of myself wherever I could! And that was the beauty in it all. :) So I also started clinging to this song early on in my physical and mental recovery these past couple of months. I reassured myself that this loneliness wasn't going to be "forever", but intentional time spent in solitude to really dig deep and learn about myself was extremely important as I started to regain trust in myself. I didn't really know what I was doing, I just knew that I couldn't give up. 

The first verse starts with...

"Wake up, it's morning.

Wake up, my darling.

Wake up and see for yourself".

This is powerful. There were so many times when I was in the thick of being injured and devastated, living with my parents and just so exhausted from trying to hold on to hope that simply getting up every morning was the most courage I could muster. I remember I used to look forward to going to sleep at night because at least while I was asleep, I wasn't in pain and I was free to walk and run in my dreams. Then, the dread of reality would creep in when I woke up... so truly this lyric about waking up and just seeing for yourself that everything was going to be okay was extremely helpful for me during this dark period of my life.

Then, of course, we go into the main chorus:

"It's alright.

Honey, it's alright.

It's alright to be alone.

Honey, it's alright.

Honey, it's alright.

To be amongst the rubble and stone."

And this was so true for me. I felt so, completely alone in my battle (both physically and mentally) -- but this song reaffirmed that it was okay that I was alone. My loneliness was necessary for my soul to strengthen and grow out of such a dark time. No one could keep fighting for me; I needed to be the one who kept fighting for myself. And "to be amongst the rubble and stone" - this lyric validated my complete brokenness. It was okay for me to feel absolutely broken because there was still beauty in being so vulnerable and broken. Truly, the rock bottom of my soul was an ugly place to experience and sit with, but it was necessary to lean into in order to come out alive and grateful for what I have now. This deep work of not giving up hope on your life while literally everything feels like it's taking you down is what changed my perception of life. 

Now, I'm not here to say that I'm done fighting. There are still plenty of days when I struggle with my body image or grapple with some discomfort in my healing leg... but knowing what I know now about continuing to fight even when I want to give up, I know that I can get through anything. I've been to Hell and back and I survived. I sat with the deepest, darkest loneliness imaginable and still chose to get up and fight for myself. I've heard a lot about life changing experiences and I used to believe they were just over exaggerations... but now I know that to be true. These past 6 months going through my leg injury and simultaneously dealing with my eating disorder was such a life changing experience in that it forced me to slow down and really dig deep within my soul to keep fighting for my life. It wasn't easy. I would never do it again. But I am grateful that I was "alright" in the end. 

"Honey, it's alright." <3 

I'm just happy to be here to share that I made it through :)