"Numb" / Sylvan Esso -- What to Keep... What to Shake Off

To get straight to the point, this summer has challenged me in more ways than I could have ever imagined. From driving to West Virginia and working at a summer camp, to abandoning that job and adventuring back through the highways and byways on my return to Florida... and starting another job to quit that one because my body felt highly disrespected by the intense sleep schedule change.... Change after change after change. For someone who has always thrived under the comfort of consistent and stable schedules, my fragmented summer was the exact opposite of my "norm". Friends, maybe this was the sign that I needed... the wake up call. The shattering of my comfortable lifestyle. The breaking down of what I thought was the "right" thing to do with my time, my energy... but in reality, all of this was exhausting me.

In between job #1 and job #2 after coming back from the summer camp, I stumbled upon Sylvan Esso's most recent album, Free Love. This album paired nicely with my early morning runs and apartment cleaning sessions... but the song "Numb" stuck out to me like a perfectly preserved daisy in a field of wildflowers. Delicate, pristine, and courageous.

"Shaking out the numb -

Let me feel something.

Shaking out the numb.

Shaking out the numb."

Unfortunately, numb is a fairly common feeling that has only grown in my mind and body in the past couple of months. In a time of great uncertainty, it has been increasingly difficult for me to find comfort, solace, and peace. So what do I do when the feelings feel too much?? Too complicated?? I cling to numbness. Desensitized and confused, being and feeling numb seems like the most reliable and comfortable solution. You would think that for someone who regularly practices yoga, mindful meditation, and other physical exercises, my connection with my mind and my body would be much healthier and stable... lies! Our outside personalities are rarely (if ever) accurate depictions of what we are actually experiencing. Feeling "numb" and plastering on a smile was my go-to solution for telling people that I was okay... my go-to solution for convincing myself that I was okay. 

But there are some highly important things that I have learned that came to fruition this summer. My yoga mat became my home -- a resting place where I could go when everything else feels like it's crumbling to the ground. A safe space where no one expects anything of me and where I don't even have any expectations for myself. 

This summer, I finally confronted my unhealthy relationship with food. Being a runner for a large portion of my life, my relationship with food has always been restrictive, unhealthy, and strictly regimented. For so long, I never questioned each portioned meal. I never questioned the unhealthy habits of counting calories, ignoring desperate hunger cues, and refusing to attend events because my worries of eating in public held me back. However, these cyclical habits only lead to chronic headaches, excessive fatigue, and consistent irritability with a minimal social life. Part of this attachment to food regulation lies in my need for stability and comfort; when I'm in control of what I'm eating (and what I'm not eating), something in me feels settled and balanced. But I really don't want to live like this anymore. This summer, I started questioning those voices in my head denying me the privileges and pleasures of nourishing my body. 

Physically "shaking off" the numb and taking active steps towards recovery has not been easy. Being vulnerable in a society that prioritizes bravery over "appearing weak" is a barrier I know I will continue to face until my soul leaves this body. But breathing into the spaces where I feel discomfort, coming back to my mat even on the days when looking at my stomach in the mirror feels impossible, and allowing myself to indulge in meals that I deserve are the conscious steps I'm taking on the path towards rebuilding my relationship with food. 

In small, incremental steps, we move forward. Every day, we roll out our mats and begin again.